


drink up one more time and i'll make you mine (keep you apart, deep in my heart)

by leifstroganoff



Category: The Politician (TV 2019)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicidal Ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-22 22:22:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20881622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leifstroganoff/pseuds/leifstroganoff
Summary: sometimes there's not a deep reason that you keep seeing your dead ex-something. sometimes you're just traumatized.





	drink up one more time and i'll make you mine (keep you apart, deep in my heart)

**Author's Note:**

> i bingewatched this when it came out and i kind of fell in love with payton as a character especially in the last three episodes and i liked how river acted kind of as his conscience but also,,,, It's Gotta Be Traumatizing for payton so here's just something really short i wrote exploring payton (i'll probably write more for this fandom eventually)

Sometimes it’s blood that he sees when he closes his eyes, sometimes it’s River with the gun to his chin. Sometimes it’s just River, in the distance, hand reached out. He wishes he could reach out and take it, he wishes that was an option. But his body freezes, hands in pockets, eyes locked on something just out of his reach. He wishes he had reached out, reacted, stopped him. 

Eventually, he sees him when he’s not trying to sleep. He sees him when he plays the piano, when he goes to the pool, when he’s driving home from school. He sees him in the dark corners that nobody else would step foot in, he sees him when he knows he should be feeling something and he just can’t. He feels his disappointment, but he also feels his understanding. If River was anything for Payton, he was a contradiction in the form of brooding blue eyes. 

He thought it would stop, eventually. He thought this was just a reaction to grief, a reaction to missing someone that he would never admit was actually important to him. He thought he would stop scrolling through his Instagram, the same sixty posts, never to be updated again. He thought eventually he’d be able to sit down at the piano without feeling someone beside him, readying to play the harmony. He thought he’d be able to kiss Alice on the cheek someday without leaning back and seeing his face for a split second. Though, he had to admit, he hadn’t been expecting to lose her, too. 

There were a few months where he thought he was finally free, when he moved to New York. He thought that maybe he had finally managed to move past it, move on with his life. He felt at peace, moving away from the life of ambition and folly that he had led before. Maybe River was finally pleased enough to leave him alone.

It wasn’t until he was sitting alone at a bus stop, soft music flowing through his earbuds, that he realized he was a fool. His eyes fixed on the spot next to him when he felt a breeze indicating someone sitting next to him. It felt as if a hand had seized around his heart when he recognized those sharp features. “Why can’t you leave me alone?” 

River leaned back, his right foot rested atop his left knee, his hands resting on his leg. “Can’t a guy miss you? You weren’t the only one in this relationship.”

“But you’re not- I don’t… You’re not real. You don't have to go through this- this seeing you, and then not seeing you, and wanting to see you, but not-” He cut himself off with a heavy swallow followed by a shaky breath. It took a lot for Payton to say this out loud. A penny could be heard dropping as his eyes slipped closed and then open again, ignoring the wet sheen overtaking them. “You’re not here. It’s not fair.”

River’s features softened, hand reaching out to rest on Payton’s leg. “I’m real to you. I’m something you need. If you didn’t need me, I wouldn’t be here, Payton.” His hand moved from his leg to caress his cheek, trailing down to rest just above his neck, thumb reaching up to brush away the tear that trailed down Payton’s face. “You can let go.” 

Payton’s eyes slid shut, taking in a shuddering breath, his hand reaching up to grab River’s wrist. His mouth opened to start to say something as his eyes open, but when he could see again, River is no longer there, his hand was hanging in the air, hanging on to nothing. He’s not sure if he can bare to let him go, not truly. So, he goes to a bar and he drinks. And drinks. And drinks. And who cares if he wakes up the next day, goes through the motions, and does it again? He’s alive. He’s alive and he hates it, because he’s alive and River should be, but he’s not. It should’ve been him, he thinks. River should be here, and he shouldn’t.


End file.
